as I am feeling a bit sad about things that play in my life right now and I have briefly spoken about some of those things,
I feel now is one of those times where I think that writing it off of me is a good thing, so therefor in my blog.
I am aware this is my blog about my inventory in Second Life which I keep trying to reduce, this is some inventory of my first life.
So if you hate the me me me type of blog… stop reading for this is alll about me…
I want to become a mother in first life.
I am 36 and my biological clock has started ticking since my first miscarriage in 2009.
Before that I never thought about kids of my own, I liked my nieces and nephews, but that was good enough for me.
The second I found out I was pregnant the idea of you becoming a mother, that you are carrying a person inside of you is changing your thought about parenthood rapidly, or at least in my case it did.
Sadly this news was not allowed to last as I got a miscarriage.
Because I got divorced, on other reasons than our miscarriage on my 33th I was thinking about the fact that kids in my life might not become reality. or at least not me becoming a mother.
Of course 33 is still young, but I was divorced and 33. I was quite aware that there is a chance that to get a new relationship in such a way that you both want children and this will happen is not a huge chance.
Of course, there are such chances, but I am realistic too.
Or perhaps I was not as I did meet a person.
We met and kept meeting when he was in the country (as he is an international truck driver)
Within a few weeks we were an us and within a year we decided to move in together. This was in September last year but officially January the first in 2014.
We talked about having kids, at first just to touch base and later on, on a more serious matter.
We both want to become parents but since we knew each other not that long we were ok with not planning it either so to speak.
If it happens it happens, if not then not.
I am not exactly sure how it changed, but I remember that at one point I tried to talk to him about the fact that I want to become a mother and that it was a bit weird that even a so called “accident” had not happened yet. I was not sure on how to bring this to him, for we never REALLY had a hard discussion on this subject.
I wanted to talk about it but afraid of ruining what we have by making it a big deal, while at the same point I was slightly worried too for my clock kept going tick tick tick tick.,..
We talked and he told me: “Then you have to make an appointment with the Dr, Sweety”.
I was happy with that answer, not only did it confirm extra for me that he would really go for him and me, but that he too wanted kids, with me, together, now, or at least in the nearby future, they are welcome!!
I am fully aware many people after 35 get children.
Happy nice healthy children.
Nothing to worry about!
But, at the same time, after a certain age, it gets not as “easy” as when you are younger.
At several internet sites they recommended to visit a doctor, when you are over 35 and within half a year there is still no luck.
As I was 36 and within nearly a year there still was no sight at being pregnant I made an appointment with the Dr with the support of my love.
Not only this was what made me worry, but my sister has a certain Genes “fault”, which was a reason for her having had miscarriages.
Next to this, I have another sister who has had no luck of becoming pregnant herself and went through several medical tests herself.
The first appointment with my doctor was the 12th of March.
He took my worries serious and had my love tested to see rule out the problem of seamen with bad quality before putting me through medical stuff.
The result of this test sadly was bad.
Bad quality seamen, means in more easy words, they don’t swim fast.
Based on this test, the doctor strongly suggested us to visit a gynecologist for chances are that a pregnancy the natural way wont happen for us.
That was the day my inner me fell apart.
All I heard was: “YOU WONT BE A MOM AFTER ALL!!!!”.
Of course this is not what the doctor said, but it was truly all I heard.
Well now it is August.
At this moment I await the results of a blood test, a DNA test as well as another seamen test.
The DNA test should give us more information about Translocation Genes I may or may not have.
Might I not have those it makes chances are increased to have healthy eggs.
In the other case, well we will have an increased chance of non healthy eggs or even “wrong” ones that will result in a miscarriage.
Either way we wait.
The sad times I feel are when I find out we did not have an “accident”.
When I see commercials for baby related stuff on television.
Or lines like:
“At least you know you can get pregnant”.
“Doctors can do a lot nowadays”.
“Keep thinking positive”.
I am aware all this is true but at times why am I not allowed to feel sorry for myself and be sad about the fact I am not a mother…yet?
L’amour et lumière,