Dearly Deers,

This deer is hurt.
Hurt by “the system” or however one wishes to call it.
For several years I been trying to get help to deal with unwanted childlessness.

From the local doctor I at the beginning did not get much other help than some anti depressant.
Which indeed made me numb to high highs and low lows, but did not help me one step forward any further.
He did send me through to a social worker, a lady who was indeed very nice and I could tell her all that bothered me.
After 6 sessions however, I felt I did not move forward though, not backwards either, but just telling my feelings is not helping me. Or at least I did not feel that.
She did not give me techniques, or advice on how to better deal with this. (No bad word about her though, she did what she did very professional and full of trying to understand)

So the 3 years after this I been just getting on about, with some days being ok but most, just in a whatever state of mind. Literally. Whatever.
Because I been getting feelings that are more heavy than: “Oh I wish this day would end” (More like: “Oh I wish my life would end”) I asked again for help and explained my doctor that me having these feelings are not good to me. Magically, that opens doors. My lucky unicorns…. so I thought…

So quite happy and feeling proud I finally got to work on myself by getting professional help I was getting redirected from my doctor to a psychologist.
After a waiting list of 8 weeks, I was about to go see her!
I told her as open as possible what I felt, my feelings go from jealousy, to envious, to sad, to depressed, to mad, to angry, to sad, to jealousy, to angry, to sad, to there is no end in these feelings, hence I want help. After my first get to know talk, she had made me do a test. I suppose a rather, for them at least, “basic” test, to see where my main issues are.
Well, I am most certainly not a player in their field, so no idea.
Anyhow in my second appointment she told me the test told her that my “problems” lay in the range of Chronically Depressed, Agoraphobia and Personality Disorder.
The issues I deal with about my childlessness were not the main issue according to the test.
She could not help me further as she recommended me to get different, long term psychiatric help.

When I heard all this, I was not really sure on how to take this all in.
I am aware of course I am not a real happy person but the words “Chronically Depressed” sounded heavy to me.
Ok yes, I sometimes have suicidal thoughts, but to actually go and so, idk.
I do feel bad most of the time, but is that because of depression or because I can’t have kids?
And then the Personality Disorder, what the hell is that even?

Anyhow, together with my doctor we decided to go with a psychiatric clinic nearby. (Agoraphobia was very clear and known to me, so traveling far, is not a thing I easily do, IF I do at all)
Again a waiting list according to the website about 16 weeks, but hey I want help, I am getting help!!
Feeling a bit sad over the waiting time, I was happy to get a call that I could have my take in late November.
In my first appointment I spoke with a guy who was the “Social Psychiatric Nurse” (literal translation)
I told him as openly as possible my issues, again. How I got advised to go here etc etc.
The third appointment I had there was January the 7th.
I had not seen him in 2.5 weeks so I started my Good Afternoon with “Did you have good holidays?”
He answered with a cold: “No!, Why you want to know?”
I felt that was a bit of a cold shower after a generic not too personal question but ok, I answered, sorry to hear that.
“So now I should ask you the same huh?”
I responded that if he had no interest he should not have to ask me no.
I felt a bit upset over it because in my eyes he was being a bit of a dick to me, but ok. Perhaps not his best day, idk.
He told me these personal things were not good in a therapist/client setting.
Well, ok, point taken, I was not aware this was a super personal question but ok.
Next to that I am supposed to tell him ALL personal stuff, I prefer to tell ALL my personal stuff to someone I trust and feel has the best interest in helping me.
I felt the tone for this sessions was set and not in a good way.
Later in this session, like half an hour into it, he told me: “You may have noticed I am not feeling very well as I have a cold, so I have a bit of trouble concentrating”
Having heard the cold NO! and feeling a bit upset over this whole start of the session I offered him: “If you do not feel so good, do you perhaps prefer to reschedule? I live nearby, so going home earlier is not really a big deal to me”
According to him he did not want to disappoint me and so he went on. It did not feel right to be honest, I have no idea why I did not just leave myself but ok. He stayed a bit distant and mostly disinterested. (Yes he was not a friend, he was my Social Psychiatric Nurse, the man I need to talk to about everything that bothers me so he can help me untangle my messy thoughts about life, sorta kinda) So yes I felt rather let down this session.

The whole week after this, I been feeling annoyed over this.
I asked myself what I did wrong, was it really that inappropriate to ask if he had good holidays?
Is it weird for me to ask that to my therapist? What an ass he is for not taking me serious and listen to my issues and if he cant focus on it then he should have called in sick or at least gotten into my offer to reschedule. Was I wrong to offer this? Was I wrong for asking weird question? Was I wrong for feeling like I do?
As many people said, Em, do not let this bother you, you did nothing wrong, part of the problems about my “personality” is in fact that I do not deal with these things that easily. I can not let those thoughts go. This is why it bothers me even more he was being a bit of an ass to me, I mean its his job to hear me and help me, not his job to make me feel like I been awfully bad for asking a simple question. So this was how that week went, I basically only thought about these things.

Soooo I had decided to be an assertive Em.
Em, you are going to tell him in your next appointment that you did not feel too happy about this.

Next session was last Monday the 21st.
I went there, and he was in his break, I saw him sitting and he saw me walking in. I know this for he said Good afternoon.
My appointment was at 15:30. He came and asked me in at 15:35.
I do not mind when things run a tad out, but come on, I am your client, you are my therapist, you see me walking in early so make sure you are at least on time then.
Or tell me, I am running a tiny late, be right with you.
Normally I do not really care so much on these things, five minutes is not THAT bad but he was just having an open door talk with a colleague, so therefor I took it as a break, and whats more, I could easily over hear them in the waiting room as the door was open, if it was professional (which was not) it would have been more so strange, but ok. Open mind Em, just wait.

So 15:35 My appointment started and so I told him that I felt a bit bad over our last talk.
That I had felt bad about it all week. That I did not know if he meant it as negative as I took but that non the less I had a bad vibe over this.
His answer to this was: “I do not remember anything about it”.
My response was : “Oh”.
I mean well I can not do much with this then for if you can’t remember then idk why you are my therapist and what you are actually doing when you do your job. I did not say this, I thought this. Then he said:”Not to defend myself, but “No!” is an answer too, maybe not the answer you would expect, but it is an answer”
I can not go and disagree on this no. What he stated is absolutely true, but the way this talk went was fully not for a second being open to the fact it had bothered me so much.
I was not waiting on an excuse but a little understanding would have felt nice I think. And I started to feel, that I had no clue what I am doing here with a man that is supposed to be my help. He then made it, for me, pointless to keep him as my therapist. He spoke the words: “So what is your problem now really?”
In a tone of voice that made me laugh, I was so angry. So I laughed and I told him: “Well, I have no problem at all anymore, there are zero problems here”

That question of his, with that tone and the past appointment and on how it went all this appointment, I was fully and utterly having to deal with this man and his “help”.
I by then thought he was quite incompetent of doing his very best effort to read me and try to get me any help whatsoever in dealing with the issues why I came at his place for.
However… he beat me to it.
He then told me, that “We can not help you any further, we have decided, you need different help that we do not offer, you need a psychologist, we will set you up with one”

So after 4 months, I have had ZERO help.
I have a “professional” diagnostic case of “Chronically Depressed””Personality Disorder” “Agoraphobic”.
I went from no help to Social Worker, to Psychologist, to Social Psychiatric Nurse (Combined with Psychiatrist, who I evaluated only my first talk with so I did not really speak with her much, I left her out of this) andnow I can go back to a Psychologist? I feel a bit toyed with.

So I left that appointment after 13 minutes as “They cant do anything for me”

I am going to file an official complaint.
Not a single person I told this to, disagrees with me so far about how weird this therapist has been to me.
Of course I can only tell my view, so when I went to my doctor yesterday and he showed support to me I felt a bit better about that.
I mean it means to get support from your family and friends, but to get support from an “official” that does feel a bit ok too.

First I wanted to drop a complaint, then I started to wonder what I did wrong, if I could have done something different, what my part in this is, but really, I feel I am not the therapist here, I think he should have done his job more professionally and redirecting me again to who redirected me is making me feel like they are truly incompetent and surely not professional in their work. And typing it here letting it know the whomever who may read, is not the way that will truly help. That is just me clearing my head on “paper” trying to get myself settled a bit more in my head. But to get myself heard by the one who was sitting there bored with my complaint should know he was being unprofessional and unkind.
So therefor HOOVES UP EM!!!!

L’amour et lumière,
Emlies

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