I was at a birthday party the other day.
The typical cake, drinks and talks flowed all over the world.
Nothing the matter obviously. Chit chat here and there.
Selfishly enough I felt comfortable as Pregnant Lady was not there.
I envy Pregnant Lady so badly for reasons obvious.
Anyhow, as late afternoon turned into early evening I got the news she would stop by after all.
I know there were guests there who had not seen her in a few months so I got fully aware of all the attention that would go to her babybelly.
Fully aware of how selfish these thoughts are, so mean and so jealous, I have no clue on how to banish them from my head.
And sure enough, she came and people asked about the changes, the news on her and her man to become parents now.
Babyroom with baby stuff, with baby clothes, baby carriers, all things baby.
Huge smiles, thoughts and stares of happiness.
Proud parents, proud grandparents to be, proud family.
…and a stupid person trying her best not to cry in public who could only give a fake smile filled with envy and unhappiness.
Clearly I am not over it and as I told foster care intake, several doctors and some friends and family, I will not ever get over it.
I will not ever be able to deal with this as I “should”.
I am a jealous, envious self centered person when it comes to this and it feels terrible having those thoughts.
Feeling so selfish for only thinking about my own misery when others clearly are happy and I should be too.
I do not get to ruin parties like this, it’s mean, selfish, uncalled for and unwanted.
As Pregnant Lady got the congrats, the smiles, the attention I felt alone and uncomfortable in my misery of not having that.
No one asking how I feel. No ones asking what its like to not have that. No one asking, no one caring.
I wonder if people know how much it hurts and how confronting it is to have your issue being ignored.
Condoleances are not the correct way as only a dream died, but would it not be more bearable to not have it be ignored completely I wonder.
A few weeks back a friends mom, who KNOWS my issue told me about Pregnant Lady: “I did not know they got married! Well you better hurry now, you are getting way behind then, not pregnant,not married”.
Yup, that hurt really bad. I had let it get to me, it ruined my evening, I cried over it.
Knowing I should not let things like such get to me, I am full incapable of getting such things thrown at me.
So should I be happy to have it ignored, or should I be happy to have it talked about open and freely?
That is what makes it so selfish of me.
I do not want A I do not want B either yet I want A and I want B Too.
Being lost in my own head is such a drag and I truly wish my feelings would stop bouncing.
L’amour et lumière,
Face: Genesis Lab – Antonia
Eyeshadow:: Genesis Lab – Modern Geisha
Lipstick: Genesis Lab – Charmed
Tattoo Upper Body: Endless Pain – Alice
Tattoo Leg: Endless Pain – Lil Miss Strange
Hair: Little Bones – True