~ 863

Dearly Deers,

my mood is failing me epicly.
My head is exploding, literally as I have had a headache for 9 days straight now.
In these 9 days I have had a little bit of paracetamol, ibuprofen, naproxen, diclofenac, tramadol and now the lighter doxycycline.
Surely that fucks up your state of being too as some of them are putting your nerve system at ease.
Let me rephrase that into “at ease” for in my opinion it can’t be right.

Alot is troubling my mind.
The memories that seem to have a bigger impact in December.
The feeling of not being special, of not being good enough, of being worth it.

My past birthday did not add to that oh we so love you feeling.
And lately, I feel I do not have anything to add to anyone’s life really.
I feel I am being a bother, a pain.

I asked someone to lie to me, and just tell me that I am missed.
The person said he would not lie to me.
In a way that is nice of course. not being lied to.
However, this cuts both ways..
Since the words “I miss you” or “I love you” are never spoken that means I am not missed or loved.
I am not sure what that makes me and I am not sure what I add then anymore.

L’amour et lumière.
Emlies.

~ 863

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